


Can I Call you Mine?

by knaps_docx



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Weather, Celebrations, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Shenanigans, Feelings Realization, Fights, Friends to Lovers, Hangover, Heavy Angst, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, M/M, Olympics, Party, Plans For The Future, pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 16:01:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20212453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knaps_docx/pseuds/knaps_docx
Summary: Wanting to scream away the conflict battling in his mind, Haru pushed his face into the crease between cushions and tried to lull himself to sleep. Falling deep into his own conscious might be the only escape Haru could find from the pain he felt. There wasn’t a point waiting for Rin. He’d never talk to Haru again. Not after what happened.Because drowning on land was much worse than drowning in water.





	Can I Call you Mine?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ladyeos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyeos/gifts).

> Huge shoutout to Eos. She's literally the greatest gift to all humankind. A literal saint.
> 
> For you.

The rain was steadily pattering against the window of Haru’s silent apartment. It did little but darken the mood. As he watched the drops merge with the others to become skinny rivers of water streaming across the glass blurring the outside view, he became acutely aware of what time it was. Nearly twelve hours passed since that moment. Eleven hours and thirty seven minutes if he was being exact. His chest ached with some version of anxiety he didn’t want to place. The longer he sat in silence, the worse the feeling got.

Escalating like a snowball into an avalanche, Haru regretted his decisions the night before. Fueled mostly by alcohol, he really had an excuse, but he didn’t think Rin would take it as far as he did. Equally as drunk, they came out of their semi-lucid state clear headed with cheeks searing in embarrassment. Haru squeezed his burning eyes as the memory was recalled. As if he were still standing in front of Rin, remembering brought back the same churning feeling of pain and anguish he’d felt not yet twelve hours prior. He’d left Rin without an apology, another massive mistake to add to the stockpile.

Pulling his legs further into his chest, he rested his head on the tops of his knees and waited. His phone sat, quiet, on the table in front of him. Its presence burned in his mind alongside a terrible headache like a bad omen, not once even bothering to make a peep since the reminder of a severe weather alert notified him three hours ago or that Makoto texted him an hour prior to that asking how he was feeling. He resented the text and left it unread to further add to his disappointment. He made a dumb decision and now he had to live with the consequences. His silent phone simply served as a reminder.

~

The music was far too loud for such a small space, yet, nearly every available slot to stand was being filled by the swinging arms of the swimmers Haru had met over the last several years. Gathered together with one celebrant in mind, they waited fervently for his arrival. Haru watched from the sidelines with a drink in each hand. Makoto had warned him against it, but he hadn’t seen Rin in what felt like a century. At least not since the news hit. But for some dumb reason Haru had butterflies. They wouldn’t calm down no matter what he said. And when Haru spotted Rin across the room the mere second before everyone else did, his nerves increased tenfold making the room spin and the lights blot his vision.

_Rin_.

His red hair was distinctive, yes. But it was like some unseen force that pulled Haru’s full attention toward him. Even so, it was nearly impossible to ignore such an overwhelming presence. Muting the music, a light from the stage directed by the DJ fell on Rin. While everyone reared up with excitement and parted ways for an equal chance to greet the newest celebrity, Haru found his feet stuck to the floor rendering him immobile. Wanting to be close to Rin, wanting to congratulate him on his recent win that led him directly to the opportunity to swim for Japan in the upcoming Olympics, Haru couldn’t even make himself cross the room to say hello.

Australia had opened so many doors for Rin, all Haru could feel was incredibly proud of the man Rin had become. It was everything Rin dreamed about, everything he wanted when he said he was returning to Australia. While Haru remained in Tokyo and the years passed, the only thing Haru truly wanted was to swim with him again. Sure, he said he’d do it for the chance to compete with Rin. But at his core, he really just wanted the simple chance to swim in adjacent lanes fighting for a common goal. It felt kind of selfish when he realized the truth, but Rin lit a fire under him, and since Rin’s been the only one able to sustain the blaze.

Haru desperately craved it. Needed it. Every nerve in his body burned with the desire to be by him, in the water and out. Rin had become much more than a rival, but Haru was too afraid to follow the path and instead he backed down too afraid of what sort of effect it would have on the delicate balance between them. So, he tried to drink the feelings away before they had a chance to escape. However, they weren’t disappearing. They were increasing rapidly, filling his stomach with unease. 

What could he even say to Rin? How could he even convey his feelings? It was very likely Rin didn’t feel the same way about Haru as he did for Rin. Rejection was a scary road to follow. Would they even be friends if he mustered up the courage and finally admitted the truth? Would he lose his chance to swim with Rin again? The thoughts were sickening. What if he became an added weight to Rin, awkwardly hanging in the background forever slowing him down? With the Olympics now set in his future, he didn’t have time to mess around with insignificant feelings. Haru would be an afterthought.

Biting at his lower lip, Haru ducked through the crowd to escape out the back. The building had a balcony and since everyone was greeting Rin, Haru was certain it would be empty. There were just too many people forcing themselves toward Rin it wouldn’t be worth the hassle just trying to say a simple greeting. The fear of a slip up drove him to solitude. Only his drinks kept him company.

Rin would be leaving in a few short days to fly back to Australia. He’d been in Tokyo for two days already while the scouts confirmed his skills and would only be in Tokyo for a total of four days before heading back to his normal life, just enough time to be offered a place on the Japanese Olympic team. Though, his training wouldn’t start for a few months, which meant there were a few more races Rin had to win before committing himself fully to the Olympic training regimen. Haru at least saw two good things out of this. One, he’d still be racing Rin before the seriousness fully settled, and two, he’d be living in Tokyo as he trained. Both brought him closer to Haru, but then again, that was selfish Haru talking. Would he even have time for Haru once their informal swimming career came to an end?

The night air felt cool against his burning skin. The wind had picked up significantly since that morning. The weathermen had been preparing for a typhoon for nearly a week now. Warnings and alerts had been flooding his phone since yesterday. Haru welcomed the rain. It wasn’t like pool water, but it was definitely alive as it raged through a strong storm. It wouldn’t hang around long enough to ground Rin’s plane. Yet another selfish Haru thought. Conflicted with wanting to support Rin and wishing to share his true feelings, Haru’s hand crinkled one of the cups he was holding. He took the last of the liquid on one go angry at himself for how he was feeling, and even more so for not being able to tell Rin. He didn’t need the burden, he had plenty on his shoulders already.

~

Haru sighed. Expecting Rin to ask Haru for a formal apology, to say something about his unsettling behavior the previous night, anything but radio silence, Haru crumpled into a ball on his couch in an attempt to forget about the post-drunken nausea. Not even the rain could wash away the drowning sensation flooding his emotions. Wanting to scream away the conflict battling in his mind, Haru pushed his face into the crease between cushions and tried to lull himself to sleep. Falling deep into his own conscious might be the only escape Haru could find from the pain he felt. There wasn’t a point waiting for Rin. He’d never talk to Haru again. Not after what happened.

~

Drinking to calm his nerves, the second cup of alcohol went down quicker than the first. Rain in the form of a light drizzle had already begun. It was nearly midnight and though Haru had only been on the balcony for about half an hour, he didn’t feel like joining the party yet. However, the need to refill his dual cups pushed him back inside. Thinking it would be a quick trip in and out, Haru quietly squeezed his way through the overcrowded room all the while keeping a steady eye on the exact place where Rin was standing. Thankfully, due to the obscene number of party guests, he hadn’t moved far from the door. Currently being occupied by Momo, Ai, Seijuro, and Makoto, Haru ducked around someone from Samezuka and avoided that side of the room altogether. When he reached the drink counter, an arm was thrown around his shoulder. Stomach flipping, Haru whipped his head around. To his dismay, Ikuya’s older brother was drunkenly breathing down his neck.

"Haruka," Natsuya slurred practically choking him as he stumbled forward. The counter caught his fall before an entire disaster spilled out before them. Pegged as the drunkest person at every party, his friends knew to give him space to operate his shenanigans. As they shifted away, they masked Haru’s view of Rin. Not wanting to draw attention to himself, Haru found Natsuya was singlehandedly destroying his idea to slip back out to the balcony unnoticed. Making himself as small as he could, Haru attempted to disappear underneath his arm but found Natsuya's chokehold much stronger than he anticipated. He hated it. Feeling trapped in more ways than one, the awkwardness was spreading across his body.

"Where've you been, brother?" Haru could smell the alcohol on his breath. It rolled across his face making him turn up his nose. "We all took a shot and you…you _missed_ it! God it ws’good. Wait, wait, wait...you should hav’one now," he unlatched himself from Haru's neck and stumbled forward to the nearest bottle of liquor, a tall, clear handle of vodka. Eyeing it briefly, Haru decided it would be better to stick to the mixture he had already dove into and skip pounding the harder liquor for another day. There was only a little time before Natsuya would have him in his grasp again, so Haru set one of his cups on the counter and began to fill the other. However, he wasn't quick enough. The expert himself somehow managed to pour two perfect shot glasses to the brim and was casually carrying them over to Haru without spilling. Panic was slowly overtaking the small underlying appreciation for his artful skill. So much, in fact, he entirely forgot about keeping an eye on Rin.

Swiftly ducking below Natsuya's grasp, he turned and bumped straight into someone else’s chest spilling his drink down the front his new shirt. Taking a careful step back, Haru cussed under his breath as he met the teal stare of Sousuke. His glare bore into him, sending him on a guilt trip without a purpose. His clothes seemed entirely dry, only Haru managed to get himself wet. As Sousuke crossed his arms across his chest, Makoto’s head appeared around him.

"Haru!" he whined, "I've been looking everywhere for you."

Without warning, Haru felt Natsuya’s grip around his shoulder again. Immediately trying to break through the strong-hold, Haru found it was just as tight as before and gave up rather quickly. Knowing he’d look like a fool trying to escape knowing he’d just miserably fail, Haru was overly conscious of whose eyes were upon him now. Natsuya’s arm scratched at his exposed neck making him wish he was a million miles away from this very moment. Though, perhaps the underlying reason he hated Natsuya’s arm over his shoulder so much was because it’s always what Rin did to keep him from retreating away from activities he never wanted to be a part of.

That simple thought darkened his already sour mood.

"Drink up, buttercup. Rin's goin’to the Olympics!" Natsuya’s obnoxious call alerted those around him that there was another toast to be made. Glasses raised in the air as a collective hurrah was called. Everyone in Haru's line of sight took a drink. That was, everyone but him as his eyes fell onto the shot glass Natsuya was dangling in front of him. 

"No way," he flatly stated trying to stay as neutral as possible. Getting too drunk would have the opposite effect and the last thing he wanted to do was make a fool out of Rin on his day of celebration.

Sousuke's hand dropped on top of his head. Makoto piped from afar, "Take the shot, Haru. It's for Rin. You of all people should be happy for him."

_‘It’s for Rin. You of all people should be happy for him.’_

Anger burned at the tip of Haru’s tongue as he swiped the small glass from Natsuya's hand. Staring at the clear liquid he immediately spilled made him think of the water. Water he wasn’t sure he could share with someone he couldn’t even tell the truth to. Besides, Rin would meet so many new people on his path to the world there wouldn’t be any room for Haru and his emotional turmoil that clouded the crisp air between them. Maybe he was looking at this party all wrong. This wasn’t a celebration, but rather a farewell party. Haru squeezed his eyes shut and downed the liquid. It burned the back of his throat all the way until it reached his stomach where it sat unsteadily on top of all the other alcohol he'd been drinking.

"That's a good boy," Natsuya said, tapping Haru’s cheek with a drunken hand. “Another!”

“What–?” Haru was dragged toward the counter as Natsuya reached for the handle of vodka again. Sousuke was standing too close as he grabbed two more shot glasses. Natsuya gave each a gracious pour and forced one into Haru’s hands. Haru’s frightened blue eyes found Makoto as Sousuke was handing him the fourth tumbler. He didn’t even notice how uncomfortable Haru was, but had his attention affixed on Sousuke and Sousuke alone. Since when did they become so close? Maybe the same moment Haru became everyone’s last thought.

Tears burned his eyes as he found himself tilting his head back to swallow the second round. Instantly, his body broke out in goosebumps and the room began to sway slightly. He’d consumed too much too quickly. But with the nauseous wave now passed, his confidence to stand in the same room as Rin was becoming a little stronger and his will to disappear onto the balcony without word lessened significantly. Natsuya refused to release Haru’s body, but he did walk him closer to where he placed his original drink. After refilling it, the liquor tasted sweet. It too vanished much quicker than Haru wanted. Without a second thought, he poured himself another. With the incessant need to be doing something while he avoided the fated moment Rin would talk to him, Haru turned quickly to taking shots with Natsuya and drinking from his own cup.

Hours passed by, and Rin still hadn’t made his way too far from the door. The crowd wasn’t thinning either. Haru, now far too drunk to be on his own, lost Natsuya in the crowd. Haru thought he remembered him saying he was bringing Rin a drink, but the memory was already too fuzzy. Finding a barstool, Haru sat down feeling the weight of his own afflictions pushing on his shoulders. The room was in a full spin, music blaring so loudly he couldn’t even hear himself think. Makoto had disappeared as did the daunting aura of Sousuke. Briefly, Haru wondered if they’d gone out together. Since their apartments were on the same route, Makoto was supposed to walk with Haru on their way home. But being unable to spot him in the crowd made things a little more difficult.

Once he realized he could probably walk home alone, Haru decided to leave. It was easier this way. Not confronting Rin with more problems. Not even saying goodbye. Maybe if he shut Rin out completely, moving beyond his ridiculous feelings toward him would be much easier. He wanted to be so much more to Rin than their current standing. Not wanting to know the bitter taste of rejection or have to live with the awkward consequences of throwing the truth out into the wind, the decision was reached much easier than Haru figured. Unable to face Rin with the truth, it was for the best to let him go entirely.

Pushing himself away from the counter, Haru staggered through the crowd toward the door. Rin wasn’t standing there anymore. Figuring his guests finally realized there was more to the party than taking up all of Rin’s precious time, they must’ve let him move beyond them to talk to other people around the room. Thankful for the small chance to disappear without a trace, Haru reached for the door.

“Leaving without saying hi, eh, Haru?” His cocky remark glued Haru to the ground. An unknown force turned him around. Haru met Rin’s smile. He looked perfect in the low lighting. Always fashionable, Rin was wearing some of the hottest trends breaking the internet. Below his shirt, broad, muscular shoulders topping off a body adequately proportioned for the highest level swimmer. He’d worked hard to reach his goals. Without turning back, Rin dove in headfirst and forced his way to the finish line. He just so happened to reach it before Haru did, like he never needed Haru to show him what path to take even though he’d said those words so compellingly in Australia.

Slowly realizing it wouldn’t be enough to just walk out, Haru measured Rin’s outward emotions. Rin would never let him push away without warning. He’d never leave him alone. Pestering Haru until the moment the truth surfaced, Rin was certain to draw out the suffering and it would still end the same. Haru would be left alone with his one-sided feelings for the rest of eternity. What terrified Haru was if Rin found out the truth, rejected Haru, and then moved on without him. What if he filled the vacancy with another swimmer on his way to gold?

No, Haru decided, it would never be enough to walk out of Rin’s life. Haru had to sell it, enough so Rin wouldn’t want Haru to swim with him ever again. If he replaced love with hate, maybe it’d be easier to move on. Breaking his own heart in the process, the snarky words that slid from Haru’s lips surprised even himself. “So what?”

Rin’s entire persona changed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Haru sneered. “Continue relishing your victory. I'm going home.”

Physically reeling back from Haru’s comment, Rin fussed, “Haru, you’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

The room was quieting down as they intently listened in on their argument. Haru, paying no attention at all, aimlessly spewed his bottled up frustrations as slurred word vomit. “Don’t throw this my way, champ. You know it’s the truth. You have plenty of other people to help you aim for your goals. You don’t need me.”

“Is that how you really feel?” Rin inhaled, setting his glass on the nearest table in case things escalated further. “Anything else you’ve been refraining from telling me?”

Haru wasn’t even sure where the words were coming from. Fueled entirely on his unchecked emotions, he let the words slip off his tongue without a second thought for the consequences. Throwing his hands in the air and letting them drop loudly to his sides, he slurred as the tears threatened to overflow, “I’m done, Rin. I’m done with…whatever this is.”

The room was silent. Rin took another step back from the shock. With his mouth partially agape, Haru thought he looked like a dumbstruck fool. The sincerity in the way Rin was feeling was echoing across his face, now ashen with intense shock. Something twisted in Haru’s stomach making him sick.

“Haru– ” Rin began but was briskly cut off by someone in the crowd.

“Way to ruin the party. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, jackass.” Haru wasn’t sure who said it, but he didn’t need to be told twice. Twisting around, he flung the door open and retreated down the stairs to the main level. Pushing the glass door to the building open in a fury, he felt the cool sting of steady raindrops hitting him head on. It was the first of many overwhelming feelings following his trip outside.

“Haru!”

His stomach sank as his momentum bottomed out. Dread replaced the freeing feeling the rain brought. Rin had followed him. “Leave me alone,” Haru called. The wind whipped the voice from his lungs. Pleading for Rin to hate him for his lack of sincerity, he refused to face him unwilling to see the determination burning in his gaze.

“No.” Rin grasped his arm, whipping him around to face him regardless. “I’ve watched myself run away from my problems far too many times to count. All of those mistakes I made, the rough recoveries I’ve had to endure, I overcame them all with you by my side. So, I’m not letting you leave unless you tell me the truth. I deserve that much. What in the world is going on?”

Haru turned his head away unable to look Rin in the eyes. He could feel the stares of all the other swimmers bearing down upon them as they spoke. Certain they were all pressed against the glass to get a glimpse of what was going to be juicy gossip in the morning, Haru felt sick with the thought. Even now, he couldn’t face the truth. Nothing would hurt more than telling Rin how he was feeling. That was abundantly clear.

Letting the rain soak through his clothes, Haru turned toward Rin. “Good luck with your future, Rin.” Ripping his arm from his grasp, Haru turned again to leave. This time Rin physically placed himself in Haru’s way. He wouldn’t give up.

“I don’t want a future if I can’t share it with you, Haru. What changed? Tell me what’s wrong.”

_‘I love you, Rin.’_

The words fell short. “Just leave me behind. You never needed me to show you the way. You have your future in the palm of your hands. You’ll make new friends.”

“Haru– ” Rin was outstretching his arm toward him.

“Don’t touch me!” Haru screamed, taking a step back. His own voice cut his throat. Rin wavered but halted his approach. Concern etched across Rin’s face in the form of thick lines between his brows. Haru found the contrast pleasing. It wasn’t a look he got to see often. Perhaps the last time he did was their second year of high school when Rin had lost his way after Australia.

“What’s wrong,” Rin said again, his voice measured. The persistence nearly made Haru fumble. But knowing that refraining from telling Rin the truth wasn’t going to cause him nearly as much pain as the viable dismissal, he stood his ground.

“I said I’m done swimming, Rin. I don’t want to swim with you anymore. Why can’t you get that through your thick skull?” Haru’s voice dropped to nearly a whisper. It was impossible to lie to Rin. Even now, the guilt was overwhelming. Enough that Haru wondered if it would be easier to just tell him the truth than string him through continual hoops of deceit.

Rin continued regardless, bound and determined to get to the bottom line with Haru. “You can’t just stand here and pretend like I don’t have feelings involved in this. Because I know you well enough that this isn’t the real you. You’re using these excuses to break me down because you think hiding the truth from me would be better for the both of us. Isn’t that right?”

Haru couldn’t speak. Rin, seemingly endless in his ability to run Haru down to nothing, saw straight through him. It cracked at the already crumbling wall Haru was desperately trying to cling onto. It sent him spiraling toward the dark abyss below his feet. The lying and drunken yelling was all for nothing. With a few simple words, Rin stabbed his knife directly through Haru’s heart. And what’s worse was that he twisted it the second he opened his mouth to taunt Haru into telling the truth.

“Isn’t it, Haru?!” Rin stepped forward. He was so close. Too close. The water running down Rin’s face mingling with his tears crushed Haru’s feelings. What sort of hole did he dig himself into? Refraining from telling Rin the truth? Like hell. Rin had a certain way about him that got underneath Haru’s skin. Where in normal situations, it was a good thing because it pushed Haru to do his best. This, however, was the exception. Forcing Haru to the breaking point without a sliver of hope to step away from the precipice. Haru stepped forward, clearing the gap.

Their lips met.

He held them there for a few seconds too long. And when he broke apart, his eyes remained shut as the words, “Because I love you,” breathed past his lips. Pulling apart he took one glimpse at the sheer horror on Rin’s face and it said enough. Heart shattering like the raindrops on the pavement, the slightest silver lining to a future they shared together was entirely extinguished of light. It was over. Rejection tasted worse after the lies. How Haru thought he could ever hide it from Rin, he’d never know. But standing around waiting to hear the words confirming the twisted look on Rin’s face was not in Haru’s plan. He’d done enough damage to their friendship to last lifetimes. It was best if he just disappeared.

Leaving Rin red faced and stunned in his wake, Haru sprinted around him, down the sopping wet Tokyo streets with no real destination in mind. He didn’t look back but kept moving knowing the moment he stopped, his body would give out with grief. Haru ran until he reached his apartment and continued to run without a second thought. The alcohol impaired his judgement and let him forget about the physical pain shooting through his body with each step, or the burning of his congested lungs as they heaved, desperate for air, and it helped Haru forget about the sting of the raindrops soaking through his clothes dampening his skin to his bones. But it couldn’t wash away Rin’s horrified look now that it was imprinted in the back of Haru’s mind.

Little did he know how much the moment would come back to haunt him.

~

Prying his eyes open, Haru realized he started crying in his sleep. His stomach lurched with the incessant need to purge itself from all the wrongdoings of the night before. Pulling himself into a tight fetal position, he sunk further into the couch desperate for an absolution. What was he going to do with his life now? Throwing Rin out wasn’t the best option, but it wasn’t like he gave him any other choice. Haru still owed Rin an apology but the point seemed rather meaningless now. He crossed the bridge and lit it on fire as he did. There was no going back. There was no redemption at the end of the road. Nothing but solitude the water couldn’t even console.

Knowing he should get up and take a bath or cook something for dinner, Haru couldn’t seem to pull himself together enough to move. Like the world had come crashing down around him, this situation was much worse than the time he yelled at Rin when he struggled finding his dream. Haru lashed out at the person he cared about most then too. He learned nothing between then and now. Except that drowning on land was much worse than drowning in water.

Gathering up enough courage, Haru rolled onto his back and reached for his phone still idly sitting on the coffee table. His entire world shifted, forcing him to rush to the bathroom. Knowing he deserved every ounce of misery his hangover brought him, Haru drug himself back to the couch when he was finished. Grabbing his phone to complete the menial task that was interrupted earlier, he reminded himself not to get his hopes up knowing nothing would be there. Makoto didn’t even care enough to send more than a small text. It truly meant Haru was in the wrong, and he knew it. He went too far trying to fend off Rin and ended up kissing him anyway. Just how stupid was he? It was so hard not to cling onto hope, and even now, Haru couldn’t hide the tears as his phone lit up the darkness around him. Not even one notification greeted him. Slamming it back onto the table for added measure, Haru rolled himself flat and freely let himself cry.

Body lurching, stomach twisting, the tears wouldn’t stop. But the worst feeling of them all was how Rin wasn’t even going to talk to him ever again. He’d be replaced. His presence in Rin’s life would only exist in his memories. Nothing was getting him back. No number of apologies, no amount of care or love, Rin didn’t reciprocate his feelings, and even if they stayed friends, Haru wasn’t sure he could bear it. Without being able to take back last night and have a do-over, Rin and Haru were no more. Gone. Swiped from under his feet as he felt himself pull the rug.

As the storm raged on, Haru distracted himself by listening to the strange noises it brought. Loose tree branches smacking against the side of the building. Rain, now sideways, clattering against the windows without rest. The typhoon was unrelenting. It felt like the emotions violently tearing through Haru’s body were mirrored just outside his apartment. He mistook the sound of the trees or a stray trashcan tumbling down the street as someone hammering on his door. Knowing no one in their right mind would be out in a storm like this, Haru chose to ignore it, certain he was mistaken. Why would anyone want to talk to him again anyway?

Until he heard his front door blow open.

Sitting up slowly, Haru turned his body around to face the anomaly. Every nerve in his body told him something was terribly wrong. And when his eyes fell on the sopping wet figure standing ominously in his doorway as the storm raged on behind him, Haru’s entire body shuddered with fear. The door slammed shut behind him.

“I’ve been knocking for fifteen minutes.” The shocked feeling Rin was experiencing came across in his voice. Despite the fact, Rin still slipped his sodden shoes off and took one squishy step into Haru’s apartment before coming to a halt when his eyes met the devastated look on Haru’s face. “Sorry, it took me a bit to find it, but I used your spare key. Hope that was okay.”

“What are you doing here?” Haru asked in a clipped tone, furiously wiping away the stream of tears still haunting his burning cheeks. He didn’t mean for it to come across so angrily. His hurt feelings weren’t ready to give up without a fight even though he was ready to surrender.

“I came to talk to you,” Rin said slightly dumbstruck. Remaining rooted at the spot, he continued, “The storm blew out the service. I’ve been trying to call you for hours. I gave up and decided to stop by.”

Haru’s eyes fell on his phone again. Turning his body carefully as to avoid another nauseated episode, he let his feet hit the rug as he picked up his phone and stared at the top corner of the screen. Squinting, he realized all four signal bars were gone. Cheeks flushing with the new found information, Haru prudently set his phone back on the table and leaned uncomfortably back against the couch.

“Oh,” he said. Wanting to smack himself silly with such a stupid response, Haru bit his tongue and refused to look Rin in the eye. His emotions still wanted conflict. Rin shouldn’t be here. He was supposed to give Haru up to follow his dreams without him. There was nothing more to say between them. His austere face clearly stated how he felt the night before. Regardless of how drunk Haru was, that memory was very clear.

“How are you feeling?” Rin asked, testing the unsteady waters. Haru didn’t respond, so he continued, “I tried to follow you after…you know,” Rin stuttered. “But I guess your training has been paying off. You’re much faster than I remember.”

“Is that supposed to be a joke?” Haru fired a glance his way. Rin had pushed his hair away from his face and was aggressively rubbing the back of his neck. A strained chuckle escaped his lips. Nervous because of the situation, Haru realized he was struggling with their current standing as much as Haru was. It melted one of the many cold spots freezing his chest. Though, he knew exactly how this conversation would end, with Rin walking out the door without another glance. Haru chose to cling onto this one glimmer of hope before it disappeared altogether, after all, Rin did travel through a typhoon to reach him, and he was still hanging around awkwardly without fail.

“Can I come in?” Rin asked timidly, not shying from the entranceway. He still hadn’t moved from his spot near the door. And though it was obvious he was already standing in Haru’s apartment, he still felt the need to ask permission before coming any closer.

Haru’s chest constricted with the thought, torn between decisions. Beyond tempted to say no, Haru pulled his eyes away from him and flopped sideways on the couch with a small huff. With a slight sarcastic ring, he added, “If you’re volunteering to go back out there and drown in the storm, by all means, knock yourself out.”

“Haru,” Rin quietly sighed.

He didn’t grace Rin with a reply. Thoughts short-circuiting, Haru buried his face back into the cushions expecting the pain to slowly ease away. What if Rin would leave with his snarky comment? Then what? Would it really be over, and he still hasn't apologized? What kind of selfish friend was he? Did Rin really mean nothing to him even after all the memories they made together or the goals they accomplished side by side? Could he even begin to say that about the one person he cared about the most?

The entire couch shifted when the extra weight was added the moment Rin took a seat. Squeezing his eyes shut, Haru refused to look at Rin or acknowledge his presence. The sting of dismissal burned his eyes. Reliving the same emotions over again, rejection followed by embarrassment, Haru bit back the tears. He couldn’t keep doing this. He was barely living as it was.

“Haru,” Rin began, quietly. “I understand how you’re feeling right now, but no amount of anger or running away from your problems is going to solve it. I’m sorry that you feel the way you do. Being trapped is– ”

“You don’t know how I feel,” Haru snapped, interrupting Rin. Pushing himself to a position he was easily able to look into Rin’s eyes with his own, swallowing the impending vomit. “You don’t know what it’s like. You haven’t lived a day in my shoes since the moment you came back to Japan. And don’t pretend like you know what it is I’m going through. You don’t know how this feels. You know _nothing_.”

Rin shook his head, tears forming in the corners of his own maroon eyes. As he spoke, his face contorted ever so slightly, echoing the pain he was experiencing. “No, Haru. Last night surprised me. I didn’t know you felt that strongly. I do now, and I’ve come to apologize for not realizing it sooner. You must’ve been suffering alone for so long and I’m so sorry.”

Not once did Rin raise his voice. It curled Haru’s stomach into a knot making him seriously wonder if he’d have to dismiss himself to ease the nausea. “You can say all you want about your feelings, but your face told me enough. Admit it, you don’t feel the same. Why else would you look so horrified?”

Softly, Rin answered, “I admit I was very surprised, but I’d never say I was horrified.”

Rolling his eyes, Haru threw himself against the couch again. He couldn’t stand himself crying in front of Rin, so he bit back the tears too. All of his walls had broken down throughout the morning. Feeling exposed, Haru curled himself back into a ball wishing Rin wasn’t there to witness his fallout. “Leave me alone.”

“I can’t do that,” Rin cooed, running a hand through Haru’s hair. It sent goosebumps across Haru’s scalp. It traveled down his spine before melting into a gut wrenching tightness in Haru’s stomach. “Because I love you too.”

_‘I love you too.’_

Haru’s body stiffened. He waited for Rin to tell him he was only joking or make another comment reminding Haru he was only dreaming. But when nothing came, Haru slowly pushed himself upright. Meeting the saddened eyes of Rin, Haru crumbled. “What did you say?” he asked already knowing the answer.

Rin choked out a strangled cry. With a smile on his face, he repeated his words clearly enough to reach Haru’s ears. “I said I love you too.”

Tears streamed down Haru’s cheeks as he watched Rin’s lips move to shape the words he’d so desperately wanted to hear. The second they reached his eardrums, his body shut down. Feeling like he was living within a dream, Haru dropped his head onto Rin’s lap without a word. Processing the powerful statement took time. It was the last thing he ever expected to hear.

Testing the words in the shaky air between them, Rin said it again. “I love you, Haru.”

Before Haru realized, he was crying into Rin’s already soaking lap. The storm took its toll on Rin’s body, certain most of it happened as he was frantically looking for Haru’s apartment key. Haru couldn’t bring himself to notice or to do anything to help his sorry state, too stuck on the unforeseen outcome of the morning after.

“I’m so sorry, Rin,” he choked, clutching onto his wet clothes for dear life too afraid to let him slip through his fingers again. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said…I was being a jerk and…” Unable to finish what he was saying, Haru buried his face further into Rin’s lap. “I’m sorry.”

Rin placed a comforting hand on the top of his head in response. “It’s okay, Haru. It’s okay. I’m sorry too. I should’ve brought this up sooner, but I was too afraid to say anything.” As Haru began to show subtle signs of calming down, Rin continued to talk. Haru found his voice soothing, clinging onto it like a raft at sea. “There’s no one else I’d rather share my future with. I wasn’t sure what to do when I realized my own feelings, so I swallowed it thinking it was just a fling. I should’ve acted on it instead of ignoring it. We wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

“It still doesn’t give me an excuse to act like a complete asshole towards you. I’ve been bottling it up for years now. I guess this was the final straw. I couldn’t imagine my life without you. The Olympics…” Haru paused and pushed himself away from Rin’s comforting touch. His thoughts were finally catching up. The sense of pride was overtaking the bitterness. The small spark ignited again. “Rin. You’re going to swim on the Olympic team. You are going to swim on the world stage in front of millions.”

Smiling, Rin wiped away a stray tear. “I know.”

“Your dream is actually becoming a reality.” Haru ran the palm of his hand across his cheek as he collected his thoughts. “I’m…I’m so proud of you. I meant to tell you that yesterday but…” Haru cut himself off. When did pride turn into envy? Pinching the bridge of his nose, he tried again. “If you’d have me, I’d love to be there every step of the way supporting you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be by your side through your greatest accomplishment would mean the world to me.”

Arms entangled themselves around Haru’s torso. Rin buried his head in the crook of his neck and gripped tight onto the strings of hair long enough to run down the back of Haru’s spine. “They asked me about you, you know. They wanted to see your freestyle in person. Haru,” Rin released him, keeping his hands on Haru’s cheeks, “they want you on the team too.”

Blindsided, Haru dropped his shoulder against the couch.

“I was going to make the announcement yesterday, but I couldn’t find you in the crowd. I– ” Rin cut himself off as he composed himself. Tears of joy were pouring down his cheeks as he said, “Would you like to join me?”

Haru brought a hand to his face. Feeling dizzy and lightheaded with the news, he couldn’t find the words to say or to string his next few thoughts into a complete sentence. They Olympics with Rin. Swimming in a lane next to Rin on the world stage. Being with the one he loved. Haru’s day had completely turned around and he couldn’t wrap his mind around the sudden changes happening around him.

“Well?” Rin asked apprehensively, still afraid of Haru’s response.

Haru looked Rin in the eye and met all of his hopes and dreams swimming desperately within his crimson irises. It wasn’t much different than what Haru saw each morning he got the chance to compete against Rin. Knowing there were so many details they’d have to work out together, the fundamentals had laid themselves out as perfect groundwork that led directly to Haru’s deepest dreams and aspirations. How? He couldn’t say, and he wasn’t about to question it either.

“I don’t deserve this,” he cried, using his hand to smear the tears across his skin. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve much more than you realize, Haru,” Rin reassured him, taking his hand with his own. “So, what do you say? How does swimming with me at the next Olympics sound? Would you like to conquer the world with me?”

Haru brought himself forward, taking Rin’s lips with his own. Instead of the stunned, slack-jawed reaction he received from him the night before, Rin was fervently kissing back with everything he had. A hot mixture of tears and desire, Haru let himself fall away as he weighed the decisions in his mind. The feeling of Rin’s lips still ghosted his skin. It tasted like cherry blossoms.

“Promise you won’t be angry when I beat you.”

Lightly tapping Haru’s shoulder with his fist, Rin chuckled, “In your dreams, Haru,” before he leaned in and kissed Haru again. It didn’t last long. Certainly not long enough, but Haru suddenly remembered Rin was soaking wet, probably cold, and ran through a typhoon to see him, and Haru offered nothing to help.

“Let me get you a towel,” Haru began, attempting to remove himself from the couch. Feeling the vomit slowly rising, he paused, face whitening.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it myself,” Rin laughed halfheartedly reaching for a stray bucket to let Haru use. He wasn’t so sure Haru was going to make it to the bathroom in time, and the bucket Haru probably set nearby in case of emergencies proved just that. At least they shared the same thoughts on that regard. Tucking the bucket securely under his chin, Haru apologetically looked toward Rin with swimming eyes. How’d he ever get so lucky?

“I think I’ll take a bath to warm up. Want to– ” Rin cut himself off, his face instantly darkening into a striking shade of maroon.

“What?” Haru asked, nearly losing his stomach contents over the simple question.

Rin tried again, “W-Want to j-join m-me?”

Haru’s body ignited as he watched Rin slowly turn around without an answer. Forgetting how to walk, he stumbled to the only bathroom Haru had in his apartment mumbling something inaudible along the way. Haru couldn’t help but smile as the nervousness of life moving forward began to settle in. Resting his head against the cool plastic of the bucket, Haru closed his eyes.

Overcoming life with Rin. What a beautiful dream to aim for.


End file.
